A wise friend sent this too me after I left a no good piece of crap boyfriend. Take it to heart.
People keep asking me, “how are you doing this?”, “how are you okay?” Although one of my favourite teachers once told me that you should keep this kind of shit in a diary under your pillow, I have never felt this to be so necessary to share than I do tonight. I’m watching so many of my girlfriends go through hell and I’ll let you in a little secret, hell can actually be pretty awesome if you let it. If you know anything about me, you know that I am a rather dramatic seventeen year old girl. I drown my emotions in gasoline and place them beside a burning match. They amplify. Every single day is like starting from scratch for me. Some days I wake up closer to the finish line than others, but on days like today I woke up and didn’t know where the hell I was. Truth is, we lose ourselves, and we let ourselves do it. Now, I am no expert on breakups, but here’s what I’ve done so far.
I took everything that reminded me of him and hid it. I’m talking songs on the iPod, pictures are hidden, phone number is deleted (doesn’t help lol). Because truth is, you don’t need to think about it anymore than you have to. You know that the slightest things that you can’t demolish, move, or destroy, will still be there on your walk to school, or drive to work. Take control over the things you have control over.
One of the hardest things about all of this was that I lost a close friend. Suddenly somebody that I counted on wasn’t there to answer my phone calls, or skype with me in the middle of the night. Now this took less time to realize than I imagined, but I fucking have a lot of friends. And most likely, so do you. But, like me, you neglected them because you thought your boyfriend was the center of the universe. Instead of calling this guy, I drove to a friend who missed me. I picked up the phone and called another girlfriend, and then somewhere along the way I ended up in a bar, and then on a date, at my favourite Starbucks giving my number to some really cute boy. We’re all so blinded when we’re in love. We have this impression that our boyfriends are the only people in the world who give a fuck, when they actually fucking don’t. I was afraid of being lonely, but I’ve never had so many people in my life. And it’s because I made it happen.
But not every day is this simple. I find myself crying in the middle of the night, or at the completely inappropriate times (my friends know what I’m talking about, haha fml). I cry a fucking lot, now that I think about it, but what else is new? However, I always, quickly slap myself in the face and realize that I was the one who knew the relationship was wrong. So, I remind myself of how shitty I was a person when I was in a relationship. I make myself sick to my stomach thinking about it. I barely wrote things down. I wasn’t inspired. I wasn’t passionate about life, about friends and family and myself. Now, don’t misunderstand me. It wasn’t his fault. It was all me. I was the fucking loser. I let him consume me. I let him control my Friday night plans and the ink that never quite reached the paper. I didn’t have to allow any of this, but I did and it was the biggest promise I have ever broken to myself.
Now, I hold onto this. I have to get my shit together before I ever get it together with anybody else. YOU are the important one here. It’s not being selfish. Just think about how right now, your happiness is depending on whether you have good morning texts, or somebody in the passenger seat. It’s retarded. I don’t want to use the word retarded, but it’s fucking stupid. Are you a fucking baby? Can you not find other ways to laugh or find comfort or someone to talk to? For fuck’s sake, I have so much on my plate that it’s burning a hole in the table. But that’s no excuse not to love. So, I do. I still love him, but I can’t be with him. Love isn’t about revenge. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I’ve said things to him that I didn’t mean, but I won’t do it anymore. It’s not fair to myself, to my friends, and especially him. I have memories made and I have many more to make. I have so much going for me and I’m not going to let nostalgia stop any of it from getting to me. There’s no way. It happened. Be happy it did, now go find ways to make it happen again.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop thinking about all of things he had promised about never leaving you, about forever. Haven’t you read a book? They all say that shit. Now, go turn on some Adele, take your pants off and start dancing. Life is so fucking beautiful and you have to find people that are going to help you realize that.
So to you, this boy, whose ego will not let you see this blog, thank you for helping me see that I’m so fucking awesome. Yeah, it’s a little late, but better late than never."
"You know when you miss a person so much, it consumes you? It invades your thoughts and sets your life to such slow motion speed that it becomes an agonizing internal struggle to survive the day. I remember feeling like this. I remember crying face first into the rough carpet of my floor. I remember how it felt when you left, like my body had just been emptied of its purpose. My mind was lost. I was lost. I remember feeling like I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WAS WITHOUT YOU
I said those fucking words out loud. And now, I’m sitting here, thinking about how things change, thinking about how I feel guilty at times. Guilty because a person who used to occupy my every thought, a person who used to be considered in relation to every decision I made, a person whose influence could be seen in every single one of my actions… no longer exists in my thoughts at all. And the funniest part of the whole story is that I don’t even need to try, because I woke up one day and wasn’t in love anymore.
Things change. People leave and people come back. But when you get left this is no reassurance. When you get left you’re not thinking about the possibility that it’s necessary, or really for the best. You’re not thinking about the shit you’re forcing yourself to go through everyday and you don’t realize that, no matter what you try to tell yourself, love undermines incompatibility.
Sometimes I was left, sometimes I did the leaving, but eventually, I realized that all of the travel time in between was, sadly, wasted time. There is nothing heroic about staying when you’re bitter and tired. It can be near impossible to remind yourself that sometimes things end for good reason. Sometimes things need to end. So if that’s your case, consider this your reminder. You’re forgetting how young you are, and the freedom is…
I’ll be the first one to tell you from experience - bliss."
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